Jeff Foxworthy is haunting me

Do you remember Jeff Foxworthy? When I was in college, he did this gig where he would say, "If you [fill in the blank], you might be a redneck!" I cannot get his voice out of my head.

It goes something like this:

"If yewwwwwww buy new soap, put it out and tell your kids, 'Now do not ever touch this soap!', you might have a house for sale..."

"If yewwwwwww pull the rugs off your bathroom floors as soon as you get home so those rugs look fresh for total strangers, but your family's toes are freezing every mornin', you might have a house for sale..."

(And the all-time low point...drumroll please...)

"If yewwwwwww say to your kids, 'If you leave this book out again, no reading time tomorrow!', you might have a house for sale..."

I need help.

xo!